Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples
See the following links for some helpful information about why relationships are so important...
"I love my partner but why is it so hard sometimes?"
Sometimes it's the person we love the most who can push our buttons better than anyone else. It's precisely because our partners are so important to us that they are able to push our buttons. Underneath almost every difficult conflict are three responses that every person needs from their partner:
When we don't know in our hearts that our partner is accessible, responsive, and engaged with us, we get stuck and feel hopeless. We have a wired-in need to feel connected to another person, and when the connection is in doubt, it can feel like a life or death matter. At these times we protest in not so helpful ways (e.g., where have you been?, why didn't you put out the rubbish?) when in fact we really want to connect with our partner and to know "am I important to you?, do I matter?
Couples therapy researcher Sue Johnson discusses the life-or-death need to connect...
"I love my partner but why is it so hard sometimes?"
Sometimes it's the person we love the most who can push our buttons better than anyone else. It's precisely because our partners are so important to us that they are able to push our buttons. Underneath almost every difficult conflict are three responses that every person needs from their partner:
- Accessibility: We need to know that we can reach our spouses and feel connected and open to them.
- Responsiveness: Every one of us wants to be able to count on our partner to tune into our emotional needs, especially when we're upset.
- Engagement: We want to feel special and cherished by our significant other.
When we don't know in our hearts that our partner is accessible, responsive, and engaged with us, we get stuck and feel hopeless. We have a wired-in need to feel connected to another person, and when the connection is in doubt, it can feel like a life or death matter. At these times we protest in not so helpful ways (e.g., where have you been?, why didn't you put out the rubbish?) when in fact we really want to connect with our partner and to know "am I important to you?, do I matter?
Couples therapy researcher Sue Johnson discusses the life-or-death need to connect...
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Therapy can help you and your partner slow things down so you can get to what's really going on and feel like you're on the same team instead of adversaries. When we humans can't allow ourselves to trust our most important teammate, we feel alone, helpless, scared, and overwhelmed. No wonder we get stuck!
"Why does she nag me so much? Why is he so shut down?" Often couples get stuck in a pursue-withdraw pattern. Each partner is doing his or her best to manage the difficult feelings that arise when they feel disconnected from their loved one. As human beings, we have a fundamental, hard-wired need to connect with another. When our connection feels threatened, we really only have a limited number of choices. Most people have one of these default positions:
- We pursue or criticize. We get louder and more clingy to make our partner hear us because we're afraid that if we stop reaching or criticizing, we'll be all alone. Often we'll do anything we can to get some response, because even anger is better than feeling ignored.
- We withdraw or go numb. The anxiety about being misunderstood or not being important to the person we love gets so overwhelming that we act as if we don't have any needs for emotional closeness. We might withdraw into alcohol, computers, shopping, or work. But underneath, we often continue to feel alone and worried about losing our partner.
Although these reactions happen automatically, therapy can help you recognize your underlying emotions so you can more clearly convey your needs to your partner so that each of you can feel safe and secure.
"Is there hope for us?" Yes! Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, the approach Dr Nici Curtis uses, has been found to be successful with about 75% of couples. Most couples find their relationships continue to improve, even years after they have finished therapy! Learn more about EFT in these publications:
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/nz/therapy-types/emotionally-focused-therapy
- Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love by Dr. Susan Johnson.
Start creating your loving bond today. Many couples wait too long to start couples therapy. Most couples wait 6 years from the time they start having problems until they seek therapy. During that time, many hurts and frustrations can build up, creating more wounds to heal and more work to get things back on track. Don't wait too long and become a statistic! Start working with your partner before problems build up.
Think it's too late? Think again! If you think it's too late for you, it really probably isn't. If you still have love, commitment, and the willingness to work hard (although it may be a little buried), you can most likely still create a happy and strong relationship. Isn't it worth it to you and your partner to give it a try?